Memories that Haunt Me – Moving From Tears to Smiles

The Darkened Room Beckons…

Memories that Haunt Me Moving from Tears to Smiles is a dedication to all the loved ones I have lost.

The darkened room beckons me as I walk into and the tears immediately come to my eyes. It never fails and I can no more control this and I can the weather. It just happens.

You see I built a sort of shrine in that room to all the loved ones I’ve lost. I didn’t do it on purpose It just sort of happened as the years roll on.

How It all Started

I had a couple boxes of stuff from college stored in the spare room in my house. My best friend got cancer and died very young. She had made me a wall hanging out of material and I hung it on the wall in this room to remember her by.

Then a couple of years later, my grandpa passed away. I had a couple of mementos from him, so I decided to place them in this room as it seemed like a good spot.

The very next year, my grandmother passed away and again, was a huge loss. Grandma was my mother’s mom and she was probably one of my favorite people of all time. She had this little belly chuckle that if you weren’t careful would get you started as well.

She laughed a lot, and she taught me many things from how to make jello to how to make bread. Grandma played the organ at church until the very year she passed away at the age of 98. It makes me so sad to think of her and at other times so happy because she was such a fun person.

Memories that Haunt Me Still

There are pictures in this room of my son when he was little all the way up to his graduation photos. He’s still very much alive and a part of my life but I do sometimes miss him as he was. You see he is a young man out on his own now. He no longer lives with me and I really and truly miss that almost all the time. I cherish him.

I get it. Kids get old, and we have to let them grow up and be a good member of society. They must become good citizens and enjoy their life as they are entitled to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness (a well-known phrase in the preamble to our Declaration of Independence.) This seemed a fitting statement here because after all don’t we all have this right? Parent, please let go and let your children have theirs.

Why is this so incredibly hard? My son is literally just 11 minutes from my house, but the very fact that he no longer lives with me makes me so sad some days.

Loved Ones Whom I’ve Lost

I’m so happy that I live so close to my son, though. I give thanks and praise God every day for this because there are others whom I’ve lost that I can no longer see, touch, or talk with. I miss them truly and deeply some days.

My sister died of cancer almost 9 years ago. There is of course a picture of she and I and my young son in that room. We’d gone on vacation together with us and her whole family and I have such wonderful memories of that time.

I see the picture on the wall, and the tears just well up. We were only 2 years apart in age and I miss her and love her dearly. Yes, like all siblings we could fight from time to time, but mostly we were just there for each other. She knew how to “push my buttons”, and I knew how to push hers.

Memories that Haunt Me – I Miss My Mom, Too

Mom was the next one to leave us. She’s been gone 3 years now. I could write a whole book about all the wonderful things my mom did for me. She was my rock and my go-to person whenever I needed advice.

She loved us all beyond reason and took great care of us. She never complained and she never wanted to “put anyone out”. She wouldn’t call a lot of times because she “knew we were busy and didn’t want to bother us.”

I would tell her to bother me! Call anytime because sometimes we do get busy and forget to call. We want to talk with you but she still wouldn’t call very often. She loved us and wanted us to be happy.

I was taking her to chemo for her 5th cancer that she had survived when she got sick and started acting funny. After several weeks in the hospital they finally discovered a massive tumor in her brain. We lost her pretty quickly at that point.

Daddy Left Us a Few Months Ago

In many ways this has been the hardest on me. What is it with fathers and their little girls? As the youngest in the family, I was his little girl who sat on his lap and made him laugh. I’m really not ready to talk about this one yet.

Daddy and I used to have the longest conversations. They would last for hours, and the silence is deafening.

Memories that Haunt Me – From Tears to Smiles

If it weren’t for that room, maybe I wouldn’t be driven to tears so much I don’t know. There are many things in there that remind me of my loved ones from dolls my mom collected to photo albums, quilts, and my uncle’s hammer. From pictures of my son to a DVD play with an audio book I got my father because he couldn’t see well enough to read books any longer.

All these things remind me of my loss, but the good news is that after I have my tears I feel so much better and then when I talk about them to others I can laugh and share stories.

No Tears in Heaven

I take comfort in the fact that there are no tears in heaven. Jesus is looking out for them all and they are no longer in any pain. These are the things that make me smile and bring happiness. You see I have been so completely blessed with having such great parents and siblings. I know this and I also know that God brings people to us for a reason and a season and some for a lifetime.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, 
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 
Ecclesiastes 3:4

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Ecclesiastes 3:11

I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.  That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil--this is the gift of God. 
Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

Each of the verses bring comfort as I celebrate the lives of all of these loved ones who have brought me joy after the tears comes smiles. God bless you all.

Try this loving tribute to the sudden loss of a loved one in an accident. If you are suffering, this will bring some peace to you.

Or this amazing article on How to Fortify Your Life With a Cosmic Shift.

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