What is Holding You Back?
The Secret to a Vibrant Happy Love Relationship. Hey! What’s holding you back?
“My boyfriend hates answering questions.”
“My wife nags me all the time.”
“Ugh, my girlfriend never answers her phone and is always late.”
“My husband is a rude jerk and says mean things to me.”
Do any of these sound familiar? They should. Most of us could make one of these statements at one time or another. So if they are so common, how did the couples stay together? Or maybe they didn’t make it, but I want my relationship to last, so help me!
A Love Story Begins…
Mike and Jilian’s relationship started out happy. They were both very lonely. Mike had been divorced only a few months but after having been married for 20 years he didn’t know how to be alone. Besides, the separation and ultimate divorce took about 18 months. He was broken.
Jillian on the other hand had been married , divorced, and remarried and divorced quickly again and had figured out that it was just much easier to be alone. She didn’t have to deal with mean guys who wanted everything their way. Also, she didn’t have to be walking on eggshells all the time worried that she had done or said the wrong thing to set him off.
Jillian had been alone for 12 years and moderately happy, but she was missing the intimacy that comes with a relationship. And it was hard for her to admit that she had been hiding from love and hiding from a relationship. She had been too broken after the last breakup.
New Relationship — They meet….
Oddly enough they had met in college years ago and were part of the same “group” of friends but had never dated or even thought about dating. One day, Mike popped up on Jillian’s Facebook as someone she might know, so she friended him and wrote to him asking if he was the same guy she sort of knew back in college. Mike responded yes and that they should get together some time.
It was almost a year later, and out of the blue Mike wrote to Jilian to say he would be in town and would she like to have dinner. She did!
The “dinner” lasted for 5 hours! They hit it off immediately and slowly over time began to date more steadily. Mike moved to the same City Jilian was in after about 18 months, and the dating became a seemingly permanent relationship.
The Relationship…
Stuff was really bothering Jilian. Mike was constantly annoying her and he wouldn’t listen. She tried to drop hints without confronting him, but he was, she thought, too wrapped up in himself to hear anything she had to say.
She began to make excuses to not spend as much time with him as before. He started whining that he had moved there, didn’t know anyone, and wanted to spend more time with her. She’d get lonely and give in. Neither wanted the relationship to end. They loved each other and enjoyed spending time together except when things came up that they simply could not agree on.
But Mike’s lack of listening skills was wearing on Jilian’s nerves. She found out she was more frustrated with him than ever. Neither were the type of people to fight as they didn’t like confrontation, so they quietly continued to drift apart until one day…
The Breakup…
Jilian was at Mike’s talking with him and the conversation had turned serious. She repeated what she thought were the problems she was having. Mike again would respond the way he usually did not really having heard her at all. They were getting nowhere at all until finally Jilian quietly got up, grabbed her coat, turned around and looked at Mike and paused.
She stared at him thinking that she needed to say something but for the life of her she had no idea what to say to him. Mike stared back expecting her to explain her actions. They both just stood there looking at each other until finally Jilian whispered…”I have nothing left to say” and she walked out the door.
It was over, finished and done and they were both miserable and relieved at the same time.
Days rolled into weeks which rolled into months as they are want to do. Sadness and existence kept them both going. They would text or chat from time to time. Jilian even had him over for a party she had, but only as “friends.”
Then One Day Everything Changed
For some reason still unknown to Jilian, Mike texted her and asked her to come over on Sunday. She was still annoyed at him but she went. She stood inside the door with her hand on her hips and said “what?”
He asked her to please sit down. Jilian could see he was shaking. Mike pulled out a letter that was written in his own handwriting and had scribbles all over it. He had written her a letter and had spent the better part of the whole weekend writing and re-writing what he truly wanted to say.
By the time he had gotten about halfway through the letter Jilian’s heart had started to melt. He had truly heard her and he had truly started to see what the issues with them were. Mike’s wisdom and heart and love for her had caused him to really think through everything, pray to God for his wisdom and guidance and to truly see what the problems and frustrations for each of them was.
The Secret to a Great Relationship…
The answer to this question boils down to one simple word that is so incredibly complicated to understand for our culture. I’m not sure why it is so incredibly hard, but it is. We waffle too much and we give in and we compromise when really we should be saying what needs to be said and speaking truth to bullshit and the lies we tell ourselves. The secret to a happy vibrant relationship is true respect.
I’m not just talking about respect for each other although I’ll get to that in a little bit, but respect for yourself and the things that we tolerate that we should not. Mike was not listening to Jilian. It was as pure and simple as that, and she was just “letting it go” because she didn’t want to argue instead of truly asking Mike to listen to what she had to say. She did not respect herself enough to stand up for herself and make these things known to him.
Included in myicanstory.com is a whole category on respect with many articles that talks about respect, but this particular article defines how you, yourself can achieve self respect: Self Respect Advantage: 6 Steps to Smash My Self Esteem.
Respect From Others
As I mentioned in the last section, we were going to discuss respect for each other. For Jilian she did not respect Mike because by not making her true feelings known, she was disrespecting Mike by saying…”you’re not worth it and you’re not smart enough the understand anyway.” Yes he was! As you can tell from the long letter, Mike was very capable of understanding what she had to say, but it did take quite a bit of space and time for him to clue in on it.
Mike did not respect Jilian or himself because he had to have known she was trying to tell him something but he thought that if he kept putting it off it would eventually go away and he didn’t have to deal with it. Well what did that get him? A couple of months of being purely miserable and alone and again so lonely. All of this could have been avoided if they both would have just respected each other enough to talk.
Getting Back to Mike and Jilian’s Relationship
Their relationship has turned into a marriage that is coming up on five years and one that is very, very happy. The two of them both learned from this experience to embrace each other’s differences because ultimately that was what was causing a lot of the issues to begin with. They only figured that out over time and taking a truly clear view of each other and why they wanted to be together.
Here is one example of what they discovered. Mike is very structured and mathematical in everything he does from shaking a salt shaker to having a relationship to building something. You must plan for days on end, and you must do step 1 completely and thoroughly before you ever even consider moving onto step 2 and so on. This drives Jilian crazy.
Jilian is completely opposite she might just get too much salt in one part and too little in another, but that’s ok because she can just mix it around to even it out and she sometimes starts with step 4 and figures out that didn’t really work for her so she jumps back to step 1 and cobbles things together. This drives Mike crazy.
Complementing Each Other
There are so many times that because of her bumbling about she so appreciates Mike’s strength of structure, and there are so many times that Mike is so structured that he’s not having any fun and he’s completely serious. Jilian brings out the fun, and Mike is her solid rock.
So in the end even though their differences can drive each other crazy at times, they also completely respect this strength that God gave them and love each other for it. In essence they have learned to lean into their differences with respect, love and consideration for each other.
Relationships – Advice and Counsel on the Intro Comments from Above
“My boyfriend hates answering questions.” Do you tolerate this because you do not respect yourself enough? This is not something anyone should tolerate in a relationship. Do you in fact you love him and truly want the relationship to continue, then you have to ask him if that’s what he wants as well. If it is, then you have to make it clear to him that he will have to answer questions or be way more forthcoming with thoughts he is having.
If you do not know what forthcoming means, then please look it up! This is something that every single person in a relationship should understand because if you can’t be forthcoming you are destined to a secretive toxic relationship. To be forthcoming means to be willing to talk and share information even when you are not asked. If someone is cagey and uncommunicative or not forthcoming, then they are hiding something from you!
Use your new-found respect to draw them out. Keep asking “why” until you drill down to the answer. If you ask enough, they will eventually get frustrated and tell you.
Relationship Comment number two
“My wife nags me all the time.” Guess what? That’s because she wants you to do what you promised you would do or because you need to get off your lazy a** and get something done. Here again respect comes in or in this case your lack of respect for her.
Ask yourself, why don’t you respect her? What is she doing that makes me do the opposite of what she wants, which causes her to nag me? How about your respect yourself and her enough to have a true non-accusatory conversation with her. By the way, laziness comes from a lack of respect for yourself.
“Honey, I have heard you ask me to do [insert what it is here] many times but the reason I am not doing this is because I do not feel motivated to do so and here’s why…” Here is where you talk with her about the many things that have been bothering you. We call this the “Come to Jesus” meeting because we are baring all. Have a knock-down, drag-out yelling match if you have to, but better than that it is time to tell all. You are both making each other miserable
It’s time to stop.
The Third Intro Comment…
“Ugh! My girlfriend never answers her phone and is always late.” Extremely disrespectful and you are tolerating this which shows the lack of respect you have for yourself. This one isn’t that hard to solve though. You must gently have a conversation about this. Number one why doesn’t she respond, is she just a little “flighty” and that’s in just in her nature? Or is it because she wants to make you crazy? It could be that you call or text way too much.
Try making plans ahead of time of when you are going to get together. Make sure you both get it on your calendar so there is no mistaking when and where you are meeting up again, and then don’t bug her unless you need something. She will learn that if you call or text it is because you need something and that it is important.
But the key here is that you both understand the complete lack of respect you both have as well as the damage this does to the relationship that will ultimately not survive the long run.
And the Last one…
“My husband is a rude jerk and says mean things to me.” Again, a complete lack of respect and why in the world are you tolerating this? Do not, and I mean do not in any way put up with this. I CAN is a huge statement here. I CAN have respect enough for myself to not tolerate this type of behavior. Period. Kaput! Drop the mic!
Obviously he acts this way because you allow it. Start with a calm conversation with him in a quiet safe place. Tell him you will no longer tolerate this type of rudeness. Explain to him that it is also hurting him because if he had a wife he respected then he wouldn’t feel so inclined to speak disrespectfully and then be unhappy all the time. You both are going to change that by respecting yourself and him and not tolerating this behavior.
This is a fabulous article that will more fully describe what we’re saying….Fortify Your Life With a Cosmic Shift. You will absolutely LOVE it!
More Advice?
Do you have other issues that you really want some advice on? Write us here: myicanstory@mailfence.com and ask, or put your comments and questions in the comments line below. We love helping and we are so excited about the prospect of bringing more respect to each and every person who walks the face of this earth.
God doesn’t make junk! He makes human beings who are worthy of respect. Do not tolerate disrespect from others, but more importantly do NOT put up with disrespect for yourself from yourself. If you respect yourself, other will see that and treat you differently. Stand up with your I CAN Story! Share in the comments below.
Cheering for you!
The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools Ecclesiastes 7:8-9
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character. 1 Corinthians 15:33
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:28-30
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14