My Relationship is Busted –What Now?

The Pain can Be Like a Dagger in Your Stomach…how Can You Make It Stop?

My Relationship is Busted –What Now?

Don’t do what I did for goodness sake! It’s the absolute worst thing you can do!

It sure sounded good at the time, but it caused all sorts of new pain, agony, and cost me so much money as well as anger, resentment, self loathing, and heartbreak.

When my relationship busted, I hurt so completely that I figured the best way to fix it was to find someone new to love, and boy did I jump right from the frying pan into the blazing inferno!!

It was awful!

Relationship. Broke and Alone

Here is the story of how I ended up completely broke, alone, and living with my sister in addition to hurting my son and his and my own self esteem. Then I’ll let you in on the secret to getting over the horrendous pain.

We were married for 5 years and in that time we had gone through a lot! He drank quite a bit, then the worst thing possible happened, someone handed him crystal meth to try. His brain thought that was like candy and couldn’t seem to get enough.

Like any drug story, he spiraled only in this instance he went down in less than a year on that stuff. I had never done drugs in my life and couldn’t figure out what was happening.

It was like Satan just walked into my life….

It was like Satan walked in and took over my life. He started disappearing, not coming home at all some nights. At times I had no clue what was wrong with him. He was in a trance or he was bouncing off the walls. There was a point when he started looking for hidden wires and microphones around the house because he thought we were being watched.

When I found out what was happening, I confronted him. He denied it. We fought. My disbelief was shadowed only by my pain. This was the love of my life….my one and only…my always man. I thought I was his. How could he possibly do this to me? Didn’t I mean more to him than that?

Relationship. It Was Over – Kaput! Or was it?

At this point, I kicked him out of the house, and you know what happened? The very best thing that could have happened. He drove himself to rehab and checked himself into a great facility. Three weeks into it, I had to go and stay with him. We were going to learn together…me on the al-anon side, and him on the N.A. side.

After a month, he came home. I had my love back with me. We were very happy, so the next very best thing ever happened. We had a son. He came 2 months early and spent a month in the hospital. It was very stressful.

Unfortunately, my husband stopped going to N.A., and began drinking again. When my son was about 16 months old, I asked him to leave. I would not put my son through living with an addict. My devastation was over-the-top. I had a career, and a very young son with no help. When I wasn’t working, and when I put my son to bed, I cried all night.

At this point, I wanted someone new. Big mistake. The divorce wasn’t quite final, and I became involved with another man. He was kind and loving, or so I thought, and he said to me, “let me take care of you and your son.” I felt relief. And pretty soon after my divorce, I married him.

Relationship. Someone to Love and Take Care of Me

It didn’t take long until I found out that he was a con artist, a liar, and worse, a mental abuser. He was manipulative, and stole from me. That marriage lasted less than 2 years with me coming out of it completely broke and without a home. I left everything just to get away from him. I owned a home, and I let him have it so that I wouldn’t have to fight in court.

He bullied me, and then he threatened the life of my son who was only 5 years old at the time. I just wanted completely away from him, and I also wanted somewhere to hide where he could not find me. I changed jobs, lived with my sister and basically had no address at that point.

You see, people that know me well couldn’t believe I was so completely duped. I know myself, and I never would have been duped if I hadn’t been so heart-broken and devastated over the loss of my husband and so alone trying to raise a toddler by myself.

Relationship. How Do I Stop the Devastating Pain

So how do you stop the devastating pain from consuming you? The answer is simple, but it is not easy. Lean into it. Lean into the pain. Absorb it. Feel it.

Stop your life for a few days by getting your kids to a baby sitter if at all possible, or taking a few days off of work, and lean completely into the pain. Cry and cry and cry and cry until you just can’t cry anymore. Don’t try to stop the flood because it’s coming, and wouldn’t you rather it come that way than to lose everything, and I mean everything?

The worst thing I lost was my self confidence in myself. I knew that man wasn’t a good man. There were red flags being waved everywhere, but I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t want to see them. All I wanted was the pain to end. Completely.

Relationship. It’s Just Not That Easy

It’s just not that easy. I know, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It can take months to get over pain like that, and sometimes years, but it is vital that you do get over it…for yourself and those who love you.

The first few days are the worst. Then, after a week or two, you start rationalizing and saying to yourself..”it’s not that bad. I just want him back.” Don’t do it! There is NO RATIONALIZATION for disrespect…bullying…mental anguish…and pain! None! There is a reason you broke up in the first place.

Relationship. Believe In Yourself

Listen to those little voices in your head telling you the things you don’t really want to hear. Believe in yourself. You. ARE. Worth. It. You are a valuable gift from God, and you are a special and unique individual who is loved by God. He made you in His own likeness in order that he can love you and be praised by you. Believe this, and slowly but surely, and one day at a time it will gradually get just a little bit easier.

My best advice is to write down in a journal every horrible thing that was happening in your relationship and why you broke up in the first place, and then when you start wavering, read the journal. It’s a great reminder of why it didn’t work in the first place.

My attorney made me do this and send to her so that she would have fodder for the divorce and because of that journal, I really saw why we broke up. I picked it up a few months ago and couldn’t believe that I was actually with someone like that. It was a great reminder of how far I have come.

You can do this as well. It is not easy, but it is simple. On the front end, lean into the pain, and never forget by writing in detail in a journal all the rotten things that were happening in that toxic, unhealthy relationship.

Eventually, you will be getting ready for bed and realize that you never once thought of the one you were with. Not once that whole day. Yes, I know you want to wave your magic wand and be in that place, but it is not where you are, so don’t even try. It will only cause heartache.

Fast Forward to Today

Today I am married to a wonderful man who respects and loves me. I was alone for a while licking my wounds and feeling worthless, but one day I looked up and realized that I do believe in myself. And even though doubts enter in from time to time, I do trust my feelings. I know I am valuable, and all of that started simply by reading the Bible every day. Sometimes just a few verses, but eventually a chapter or two a day until I had read the whole entire thing.

My self confidence and spirit returned. I have fun! I enjoy life! It wasn’t easy, but it was simple.

For anyone suffering from depression, I recommend the Destroy Depression System [Open LINK Here] by James Gordon. He is a former depression and PTSD sufferer, and teaches a totally natural 7 step process which he used to cure his own depression.

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For more words of wisdom, go here.

For More Insight, check out my previous post — What’s the difference between Kindness and Being Nice?

1. There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven: 
4. a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
a time to murn and a time to dance,
7. a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8. a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 4, 7, 8

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools.
Ecclesiastes 7:9

Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

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For anyone suffering from depression, I recommend the Destroy Depression System [Open LINK Here] by James Gordon. He is a former depression and PTSD sufferer, and teaches a totally natural 7 step process which he used to cure his own depression.